Back when I was straight, lol!!!!

Me as a kid (taken in part from an entry I wrote on my 19th birthday in 2007),

So this time half a lifetime ago I would have been nine years old, probably living it up in holiday in Australia. With me I would probably be clasping my clearfile folder filled with ripped out pages containing information and images from the PlayStation magazines I used to hire out from the library. (they always wondered if it was me, but never actually found out)

What else?

Excerpt from my dairy from 13, June, Thursday, 1996

Today I am staying home. I did not want to play with my cars. I'm going to watch herculeys. I am not getting parts of the lion king because I am sick and it is seven degrees. I was supposed to get part 8 of the Lion King but I am not allowed. All of my friends are at school and grandad came over for dinner.

Monday the 17th of June 1996
 Today I went to school. I did not get all beaten up.

August 30th, 1996
 My aunty Hela is here today. I didn't go to school. I watched Herculeys on the video.

I remember that day actually, I had a purple teddy bear to keep my company on the couch in the lounge that day. How very quaint to remember such little things. Barney was playing on the tv at the time. Man I used to write in such boring sentances back then. I guess that's what being Eight must be like.

Sunday, NOVEMBER 17th, 1996
 My birth day. I am going to McDonalds for my birthday. I will invite: ninep, shamiz, anton, simon, ben, michael, daniel, hynie, james and chris.


Heres a kicker for all of those who remember how bad I was at P.E in third and forth form:

5th form report: Morgan applies himself well in class, and has a positive approach to PE. He is always prepared to take part in the activities covered in class and works well as part of a group. I have been impressed with his ability to score consistent goals in Ultimate Frisbee.

HAHA

I remember that ultimate Frisbee game. It was a shocker though, because I was blatantly known as the clumsy one who possessed little co-ordination. Our team was losing. And there I was, standing in the goal where, if I caught the Frisbee, we would be in the upper hand. The P.E teacher god bless his soul, threw the Frisbee at me from the opposite end of the basketball court and I caught it. A glorifying and quite mystifying moment, quite frankly.

I was proud.

What other things do you guys probably not know about my existence?

I did karate as a child, and got to orange belt. Enjoying it as I did, but because I was lazy I used to complain "nana nana, can I stay home this Friday?" and one day when I refused to go, she decided Karate wasn't for me and pulled the plug on it completely. That's what she used to be like- it was either all or nothing. If I had to take one lesson off, i'd have to get rid of them all.

I used to do Gymnastics too, and that was fun. I had a girl crush back then. Her name was Alexi. I used to crawl into random places with her. This would be when I was maybe, nine years old. One time I did a flip off the mini-tramp, attempting to land on my feet on the cushion. Well I landed on my back. On the wooden floors. Another time somebody gave me a black eye by pushing in one of the floor rails as I was jumping into bits of that squishy fun stuff (LOL).

My first real mega crush was a girl names Jessie Zawada. I met her when I was in form one at Saint Francis De Sales School and instantly fell in love. She was short, and had glasses, but for some reason she was the most beautiful girl I'd ever laid my eyes on. I used to fantasize about her every single day at school and at home, and hope, that one day, we could finally kiss. But she didn't like me. That didn't stop me though, as I continued to basically stalk her, which made for some good memories like the times that:

She stepped on a CC chip and then ordered me to eat it, knowing I would

We chased eachother with branches

We went for counseling with another teacher for eight weeks, and then just as progress was being made, we both decided it was more fun to hate eachother and be as snarky as possible.

I feigned being sick after our immunization shots just so I could be with her in the medical room --> there I told her that I loved her.

I believed that she was actually an angel, because she said it was so and knocked her stomach making a "I'm hollow" sound that I still can't figure out to this day.

Then Third Form turned up and I actually remembered I was supposed to be Gay. From then we became actual best friends and I had no more feelings towards her. Fun times.

When I was eight, nine and ten I had a mega crush on the Spice Girls. It's also very ironic I was interested in chicks at the time where I was at my MOST gay acting. Let me break it down for the plebs:

•  Me and my bitches (I only used to hang out with girls in primary school, 3 of them) used to reherase and perform dances to Spice Girls songs, by

• Making the whole class sit in a circle so they could watch us... this would happen every,

• Few weeks. After lunch time. If that wasn't an indicator for my innate femininity then I don't know what was. It must have freaked out the teachers, in hindsight.

I played a dog in the 1994 production at primary school!

I used to order CC's and Afghans as my preferred lunch menu for school lunches, which were always only on Wednesday's

When I was little I used to love books. I read "Santa Paws" about a Dog that nobody wanted on Christmas.

I lost my mummy when I was four, which was always pretty confusing for me. I didn't confront any of those feelings till I was eight, and again in my seventh form year. I miss her, but that's about as far as it goes these days  . RIP

I used to make actual pokemon board games. I would go to the stationary shop and buy actual thick cardboard and some thin bits so I could make the board and the cards to go with it (you know those ones with extra abilities and the actual pokemon on them). Yeah they were cool, huge, detailed, and cool. I made my nan play them with me, man I must have driven her crazy, no wonder she used to drink so much... pokemon's fault!

One day when I was eleven, some cunt broke into our house and KNOCKED OVER MY POKEMON BOARD GAME, I was so devastated and freaked out my nan was going to take me to counselling. Oh, he also stole the PlayStation and all of the games.

I learned the violin when I was around nine years old. Had a uni chick tutor me, her name was Nancy which I always thought was rather peculiar. We paid her $12 an hour which, back then, wasn't bad. It'd be about $16 in today's terms.

When I was also nine, I grew a mullet. An actual mullet. And I used to tie it up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I know. It lasted a year. And then the comments got to me too much and I went to the hair dresser and I was like "I want this gone" and she was like "Are you sure? It looks lovely, don't worry what other people think blabla"... it went.

Somebody put glue in my hair in form one. That was Anton lol, and yes I am still holding a grudge... lol not.

In order to get out of doing P.E lessons in primary school I used to pretend that I'd sprained my ankle and go all the way to hopping around, and using schoolroom chairs to walk up stairs.

I was twelve when I started to learn to speak assyrian. I didn't actually learn that much from my friends, but I can still sometimes make out what Assyrian people are saying when they speak. Sometimes customers talk in the lingo not knowing they don't like a product, when really, I'm just a huge stalker.

Okay. It's ten oclock now and I have work tomorrow so I better end this blog now.

I'm 19 soon. My childhood was pretty diverse. Now I just work and get drunk !

I've learned.

I've learned so much leading up to and including my 21st year of life.

It's important to separate your personal life from work. I used to act in a way that meant my work and personal lives were intertwined, as unseperated as breathing is to living. Unfortunately, back then, I didn't realise that being too social and endearing would eventually lead to me walking right into a situation that forced me to leave a job. I'm glad all of that that is behind me now.

It's not okay to carry your heart of your sleeve or post your very personal or negative feelings online to the general public. I remember being younger and angry. Yeah, it felt awful growing up hating myself every waking moment because the catholic church I was a part of had the audacity to tell me I was a sinful monster, who in the future would be a dangerous threat to children. But people can't stay angry forever and I refuse to.


I've learned that it looks trashy to say things like "I hate everything" in front of a social medium of friends on places such as facebook. If you are the type of person who does that often the only thing I have to say to you is, why? Clearly it's been a while since my typically emo ways, but I still see people deadpan complain with vague sweeping statements about how damaging the world is. The only exception to that in my opinion is personal bereavements. One of my friends passed away seven weeks ago. Brad's death transformed me into a wreck, for which I make no excuses. Death changes things and creates a vacuum that steals all of our happy emotions, forcing us to grieve.


I've learned the value in social media. I would like to think that my personal life is meant for only me, close family, and close friends. But, over time I have come to realize that I like the prospect that somebody across land and sea who I may never meet might be reading my inner thoughts and learning something. This doesn't explain why I have been quite quiet about my absense from Wellington and the urgency in reasoning to leave. That blog post will give birth to some interesting reactions when I finally decide to drudge up the energy and gumption for it.

I used to argue with people that it is a bad thing to be private and closed off. I am now becoming the type of person who would feel so much more at ease with people knowing absolutely nothing about me and what I do or who I am. Even now, it does make me feel uncomfortable posting another blog entry but again my endeavors in online social media are so ingrained in me I cannot stop. I'm fully addicted to this opium. I opine that in the future something I have written will alter my chances. Perhaps that's a good thing?

I've learned that wanting so hard to be part of the gay "scene" was a mistake. Befriending caricature personalities didn't become fulfulling in the end and those endless nights at Ivy (the gay bar) where I chased after some people didn't lead to anything memorable, sorry. The entire "gay" community is what it is, but it's not for me. Gossip websites associated with people like that are awful (such as one I was identified on once). They vilify individual people and then allow anonymous comments which strikes me as nothing but desperate and attention seeking. Gossip girl may be my favourite show, but come on, it's fictional.

This year definitely has been a metamorphosis of intense and systematic change for me. Living at a backpackers as unglamorous as it sounds and is, has woken me up. I learn about other people and cultures daily. It's something I feel blessed to have wandered into. 


I'm so glad to be in a country away from my grandparents for the first time. But not for the reasons people might assume I hold. 


I miss them so much because they are the only two people on this earth who love me. However I feel good not bothering them with my petty life issues and money problems. I can imagine my grandmother right now sitting in the garden reading a historical novel, relaxing in peace and liberty. She deserves that. I for need her to enjoy life and I hope that me being across the ocean somewhere that her conscience doesn't compel her to worry so much about me. That will hopefully give her happiness and an extended life. 


 Last year was a bit hit-and-miss, but what can I say I was: young. I turn twenty two in November so i'm going to take it easy until then and see where things take me. I'm still single. No-one is interested in getting to know me past my fake arrogance and infamy on twitter. That's also fine. I tend to be closed to relationships as they capture my emotion in its fluidity and that's when I really don't know what to expect from myself. 

Revelations. (entry one)

People often tell me I would be a therapists ultimate project. I have a certain shy righteousness about myself  which clashes with and mystifies the people who know me in real life. The truth is that I do keep a large section of my real opinions to myself especially when they involve the personal. I am a social media trooper, yes. My previous entries will shed some light on my past struggles (and successes), but i've never reached a point in a journal entry or through a tweet where I can fully anticipate people will learn anything of true value about me. Not that I feel like I need to explain or make excuses for my actions per se, I do want to put my life into a closer context with how I actually feel in writing. Here's the first entry.

Why do I have such passion for same-sex couples rights to Marriage and Adoption?

I find this one hard to explain as one definitive point. I don't have Marriage on the agenda currently and my plans as they stand are to adopt a child as a single parent. Therefore my sexuality bias has no possible relation to my desire for all people on our planet to have the dignity, autonomy and freedom a reasonable person would say they deserve. Or does it?

The irrevocable truth is that being Gay means I have some rooted personal interest in the idea of a potential future family. I can't deny that fact. Even when I am arguing for same-sex marriage rights for Californian's or people who live in Maine, for example... deep down I opine. I guess my want for self preservation is what gives the ultimate life to my equality high, even though in theory what happens to one state in America has nothing to do with me.

However. The fact that who I am created a glass-half-empty attitude on my views towards the rights of other people similar to me does not preclude my conscious reasons for wanting full equality from being genuine. What gives birth to an idea isn't always the end game or the motivating factor once the life created decides for itself where it wants to travel. I may have just taken a lot longer or been slightly more oblivious to the actual perils of homosexual people had I been straight, for example. The life of my passion for equal rights (in my opinion) is fueled nowadays by my sharp hatred of people treating other people as less than for things they cannot change and only then magnified by my personal feelings of second-class status that trickled down from my childhood.

You could argue from my reaction when Proposition 8 was struck down, that I am throwing myself into the debate as a way to say fuck you to the Catholic Church. This is more of a bonus for me personally and certainly not the central purpose in my efforts. That's truly another point in and of itself, so...


Who do you hate the Catholic Church? Also, why do you issue ultimatums to people who are catholic identifying that they cannot be friends with you unless they abandon their faith?

...continued ...soon.

Originally this was going to be another one of those "Oh, brother... Morgan's being emotional AGAIN" blogs. I have since changed my mind and will attempt to frame my original point in a way that I don't usually express (without overly emotive language and sweeping assertions about the world). 


Can I point out and make clear that, this year has been to me like bits of Britney Spears career. It Veered off at random times into complete lunacy only to somehow complete itself in time for yet another crazy thing to happen .....aaaaaand repeat. Fun times right? Suuuuuure, if my name was Adnan Ghalib. It is now October. We're nearly to the eleventh year of our second millennium but I digress... I have grown up and learned a few lesson... blah blah blah.


So it happened in January, I came out of my "rut," (see earlier blog posts about how awfully depressed I had become the year preceding that). 


Because most people don't give a flying fuck about depression I shall explain it now. The coming-out-of-rut behavior works a little bit like a blocked waterfall being opened finally. The floodgates let the H2o smash out after a massive build up to climax in a cataclysm of hyperventilating flooding and thrashing magnificence. In english, what I mean to say is that my sudden confidence and freedom to think happily when I wanted, as opposed to the quiet solemn I used to be: caused me to play up a bit in the environments I had become used to being quiet and subservient. I got fed up wit the the nazi concentration camp which was my place of employ (or call centre you could also call it), and through months of "bad behavior" I was asked to resign slash got fired. Cool? Yeah i'd say, I was only being paid NZD $14.50 per hour and i'd been there fifteen months.