What's the point?
I'm growing weary of it all. Trying to fit in. Trying to be a complete part of a society, to make friends and keep them, to search for love that is never there, to reach for happiness that I know I'll never be fully able to express back to myself internally. People don't care about me. I'm good for the spectacle, judgement, criticism and bizarre fascination. I make no apologizes for any of my previous decisions. It's not like I had any support or anything.
I grew up in a fucked up family situation, frankly. Boxed in as a teenager dealing with depression in a family who didn't believe in depression... only really magnified the effects this stupid abnormality has on me. The simple fact is that nobody gave a fuck. They only cared about how my behavior or emotions upset their daily routine. Yet I never committed any crimes, violent acts or anything seriously offensive. Because of my size and personality type though people find it easy to pigeonhole blame on me that they may not dump on someone more levelheaded. Good on them I guess, for not being stupid.
Funnily enough moving countries has given me autonomy and responsibility that I've been able to fully grasp on to. I guess feeling like a piece of shit for so long gives a man a shield against bullshit. But.
I'm damaged. Fucked up. Beyond help. It's too late for an intervention. I'm over it. I'm not at all happy with myself on any level. So I can speak eloquently and sometimes say inspiring things about world equality issues.
