500.

My home country has one of the worlds highest suicide rates. There are a plethora of factors which i can't even begin to explain that are both universal, and national; contributing to the sad statistic of five hundred per 365-day period. I will never-the-less ram through some of my theories and principles on the subject beginning first with the old-age idea that if you "hush" away a certain topic it will disappear, not exist, not be encouraged, or glorified. (this also relates to the idea in the 1950's that homosexuality as covered up from existing, meant people who are older than the baby boomer generation still think that gays and lesbians have not been around for a lengthy period of time), but I digress to the issue of self-annihilation next.

It is currently unlawful for any publication in New Zealand to publish an article specifying that a suicide has taken place in regards to the individual involved. This law was passed many years ago under the then accepted idea that broadcasting the decision a person makes to kamikaze themselves, would only fuel a kind of "copy cat" mentality and exacerbate the problem. That theory and the reasoning behind it to me is irrevocably false and disordered. The only way to heal is to communicate. Silence is the enemy of progress and integration, and the compete antithesis to what society should expect on a topic which kills more citizens per week than any other cause (to my young knowledge, but seriously five people per week committing suicide is insane!!). In each instance, the suicide of a person is mourned by those closely involved, silenced by the broader laws and deafened to the immediate populous, then easily swept under the rug once the mourning process has ended for the family involved.

To print that a death happened "under no suspicious circumstances" has appeared to be the most recognizable way for a newspaper or media agency to extend the idea that an individual has exited the world by their own will, not the will of another person (murder, manslaughter, euthanasia), or the will of a medical affliction (heart attack, cancer, etcetera). It is an odious way to supersede the law and standards while barely acknowledging the problem, it is not nearly alarming enough to people with no knowledge of the person involved.

There is going to be no community discussion over the fact a human being felt so isolated and locked in their own hell that they had to pull a trigger, swing from a rope, or gas a four walled vehicle. The lack of such outpouring emotion from the community and frank discussion over the disgusting anguish suicide causes only fuels the ideas among people who have mental health issues or extreme life pains that they are in fact the only ones whom have had a problem and therefore there is a lack of hope, help, understanding and recourse to their feelings of self-loathing. Out of sight, out of mind.

People can't heal on their own. No-one can. It's impossible.
A brother, sister, mother, father, uncle, aunty, grandparent, friend or partner will seemingly go quiet, or missing, and then one day not exist anymore. Our world, and my country in general has a deplorable "she'll be right" attitude that not only causes apathy involving child abuse and self-inflicted death but also an antipathy for real life issues that are minimized to insults calling people "emo's," which makes for a very toxic cocktail of bottled up negative energy and a bloodbath of lost lives and feelings that were out of repair for what could have only been a transitory stage. Humans are obsessed and wrapped up in the "complexities" of their own lives and moreso their work; so as that noticeable differences in another persons demeanor or words go unnoticed.

This world is meant to be inhibited by creatures whom communicate eighty percent through non-verbal communication. Without eclipsing my previous statement into an internet issue, I turn to those of us who still do not bother to notice anything out of the ordinary with the people around us in day to day life (although while ironically pointing out superficially "wrong" aspects of peoples personalities, looks, goals and opinions). I am not to say that I blame people whom are busy and wrapped in life otherwise we'd all be guilty of not perceiving a threat to a life or whatever; I merely point out that as products in a world where the "normal" thing is to value time and money over personal relationships we should stop,.. take a look at the landscape permeating our existence and then try to change it for the better.

The first thing in my opinion is a legal overhaul of the archaic and harmful suicide legislation that is primitive and destructive in its efforts to deny people the knowledge that a problem envelopes society. The second thing in my opinion is a complete change in how people deal with "the other," for one, to stop using the word "normal" in such a broad context with a negative connotation stapled to it when thrown at someone a person happens to disagree with. I sit here in wonder at my own writings, consistently reminding myself as conditioned by our society that my views are outlandish and how can it be possible to expect people to just stop using one word? What difference would one word make?

I can't answer that. All I can do is offer my thoughts hither to the dynamics of our world that are clearly causing the wrong things to happen. Unfortunately things remain the same by and large, and therefore the idea "everything happens for a reason" exists only if in fact it existing causes more heartache and despair for everybody involved.

Anti-Gay Gillard and Anti-Gay Abbott both lose the election. Greens hold balance of power.

Behind all of the arrogance, I thought i'd explain why I dislike @JuliaGillard. She is anti gay. She is pro internet censorship.

Turning to the first point only tonight, I know that personally, Julia probably does want to see Marriage Equality. But her personal view does not matter in this case. Each and every time on national television where she has repeatedly said "The Marriage Act is a special union" that needs to be "respected" as "a higher status" for heterosexual couples "to the exclusion of all others -- it makes me want to smack her in the face.

Yes, she is toeing the party line. Yes, she is trying to get elected. Yes, she probably wants to help marriage but... she won't. This woman is hands down a backstabbing liar. She's thrown the entire homosexual community under the bus in hopes of savoring enough of the right wing christian votes necessary for her to gain a career. She is fuelling homophobia and enforcing a moral and religious view on all australian citizens.

I don't like it one bit. "We need to respect that Australia is a christian nation, and therefore we need to respect that the Marriage Act as it stands has a special meaning for Australia." What she is saying is that it is okay to respect antiquated prejudices and that it is okay to respect religious hatred and mob rule from one section of society to another.

What about Tony Abbott you say? Well. It's true. He doesn't support same-sex marriage -proper. But he has been on the radio telling audiences he is "open" to same-sex civil unions nationwide. He hasn't defended the Marriage Act, merely to say that he doesn't "think" it could be changed under his government. This is strange coming from a Catholic family man. You would expect at least, Julia and Tony's attitudes towards same-sex marriage rights to be in the reverse. But they're not.

If a progressive, unmarried redhead atheist with no children thinks that "christian" heritage is enough to deny equal rights, there is something wrong. Especially when the conservative catholic opposition leader is only defacto against the word "marriage" and has not tried to defend it with as much loathe and vigor that she has.

Julia Gillard is a patsy for a party that I would otherwise support save for their shocking treatment of same-sex couples. In twenty years or less, people will look back and wonder why in 2010 Julia Gillard was so cold, and uncaring.

Politicans never change. They're like chameleons,.... always a lizard.

An open letter

Yesterday I found two things. The first thing I found was a job. A full time one which has irrevocably changed the future of my life here in australia. It's a very well paid job compared to what i am used to back home. ...the second thing I found today was myself.

I would like to open this letter to my grandparents who have stopped at nothing to try and make my life as normal as possible even though sometimes to my detriment: their hearts have always been in the right place.

Last morning, I thought I had lost my laptop forever and everything including my passport and cellphones. I woke up and it was gone from the common room where I had fallen asleep. I asked at reception, rang all of the clubs I was at last night and spent two hours wandering aimlessly down the Sydney center streets at the end of my tether. I was crying, and wondering what next was going to happen to me. Clearly, karma hated me and I deserved to have my whole life ripped apart even in this new country...

I was ready to get on a plane and move back home without a clue how i would pick up the peices. My laptop you see, is my lifeline to the world and (at that time) my only source of income. Not to mention how many novels and essays I had written and not backed up anywhere. ...this morning I was desperate. So i called home.

My grandparents are not rich in fact they are far from it. They heard immediately the alarm in my voicea and bank transferred me enough money so as to buy a new MacBook, and a plane ticket for next week.

I made an agreement with my grandfather that if i didn't find a job by today (friday), i would come home and live with him again. He wants me to come home being lonely and i can totally understand that. However... something amazing happened and the gods spun their roulette wheel in my direction for once in my life.

My bag was found and given back to reception at 10am, and i had to quickly surpress my devastated but relived emotions because i had an interview at 11am. I got that job on the spot; $26 NZD per hour. Twelve hours after that, someone handed in my laptop charger that i had separately left behind and then this morning I got a phone call from my manager at this hostel I do free online marketing for in exchange for rent. She wants me to work on reception at night. Not one full time job, Morgan. Nope, the universe is now telling me I am worth it, I am desirous and appreciated and wanted. I just didn't look hard enough in the beginning. It had to be at the final moments of my first journey and on the day where things could have gone horribly south.

I could have lost everything on Thursday. My MacBook, my passport, my livelihood and my creative works. I could have been broke, and on my way home failed at 'starting my life over' yet again. But then.... someone or something intervened and decided that at the eleventh hour it would grant me reprieve so that i could breathe finally and begin to unwind all of my negativity and hurt. Karma gave me back my bag but only after reminding me in very stressful terms that I need to be irrevocably careful with not only my belongings but my feelings: maturity.

The universe forced me to call back home (a place i had been avoiding) to remind me that while I want to be away from my grandparents that I do still have childish tendencies. Reliance, support, and monetary backup. I can no longer ignore the fact that despite the strangely locked up childhood I had that I did in fact have a good one at the end of the day. I can't look past the idea that without my grandparents I would not be the creatively worded person I am today. Not many parents spend an hour a night reading to their child anymore. I had that throughout grade school and it set me up for eloquence and greatness. Not many people whom grew up with grandparents were just "given" their own computer at age thirteen. It wasn't theirs, I didn't have to share it. It was mine. I used to wisely, sometimes, stupidly... but at the end of the day I am excellent with technology in some part thanks to my forward-thinking grandfather who forked out three thousand dollars over eight years ago to get me into the loop of I.T.

I feel complete.

I feel happy.

I feel like, I don't have any more regrets.

I feel like, I know how to make good decisions.

I feel like, I won't be getting an overdraft, credit card or personal loan ever, while i'm in this country.

I feel like, I don't have to be angry anymore.

I feel like, my mother has been watching over me as a guardian making sure I am always okay.

I feel like, even though some people in my family don't really want to know me that is their bad. The onus will fall on them one day when I am successful.

I feel like, I have motivation to succee.

Ideally I see myself in five years exactly where I am right now. Subject to determination and full of hope.

The ideal is happiness, which is the object of our real wish and the goal of all of our efforts...

One of my "friends" finally showed his homophobia. My response...

Michael. Stop acting like such a cunt. You've actually pissed me off for the first time in what is it now, almost nine years? I'll explain why here, and give you some things to really think about.

Mike: "But then again, i am not encouraging people to be gay or bi, as i do beleive in that a normal relationship should be between a male and a female," 

Tell me again how it's possible to encourage people to be gay or bisexual? People are born with the sexuality they are given. What the fuck gives you the right to tell me that my physical, emotional, and sexual attractions are "abnormal" when i enter a relationship based on those? Should I just force myself to fuck women while I watch Gay porn in the background or imagine sucking off my ex? If that's the 'normal' thing you'd like me to do then okay. Why not, let's see exactly how many girls I mentally fuck up when they find out it was only the vague amount of pressure their vag's gave my cock that got me off, and nothing to do with them. 

Your statement in reverse means you support encouraging people into straight relationships. Again I don't see what the benefit it for anybody, society included, to "support" gay people to change their entire set of emotions, bodily functions, and history based on what you think is "normal.

Mike: "Give me shit for it, But penis and vagina seem to fit like a key and lock. How do two penis' work? Like a sword fight."

Oh my god! Way to go, making the complexities of human relationships as simple as allowing someone who knows how to shove a cock into a vagina the complete moral and normal permission to do it. If you really want to turn it into a sexual conversation then here's something for you to chew on: the male G-spot is found up your ass. Biologically speaking, you won't derive the full capacity of sexual pleasure in your life unless you let another guy fuck you. But "give me shit for it," "A cock inside a straight guys ass fits like a key and a lock." See how fucking stupid that sounds? 

Yeah, coz some people are straight. They prefer women and therefore derive their sexual pleasure from ploughing into pussy on a daily basis. I have no problems with that in fact I support it fully. Why can't you support the fact that, when I have sex with another guy it's not "like a sword fight", in fact it involves the same amount of emotion, penetration, and consequences as straight sex save for pregnancy? (which is not usually why straight people like you fuck in the first place anyway). 

Mike: It just seems kinda odd that it wouldn't as marriage is done through the church and when it comes to it, Wasn't it Adam and Eve, (not 2 gay lovers) that this world had all come from?

Marriage is not done through the church, Michael. Clearly you don't know enough about marriage anyway so your opinion in court would be "inadmissible" but i'll answer you anyway. Marriage is a legal contract that binds two adults together in a civil agreement given by the state for the purposes of tax, spousal benefits, child support, property share and a whole other host of responsibilities and privileges. If someone wants to "marry" in a church they need a legal, state binding marriage certificate first. I am not even acknowledging your "adam and eve" theory. That is about the stupidest argument i've heard in my entire 22 years on this planet. Wake up.

Mike (to my friend): Maybe i should Vote for "against gay marriage" Just to piss you off more, is what you are saying.

Great one, Michael.... one homosexual person goes nuts at you for having bigoted views that every single day harm him, and you then turn around and threaten to vote against real people, in real life, an entire class of the population... just because one person who broadly represents his group disagrees with you. That's the same kind of fucked up reasoning racist's use to deny black people of dignity because one person of color stole something from them ten years ago. 

You have no idea how hard it was growing up in a world where I was constantly bombarded with "straight" propaganda. I had no role models as a kid. The church i attended told me I was a sinful, disordered, and dangerous threat to society. My grandparents put me through conselling to "get rid of the gay," and I just dodged being infected with HIV when I was sixteen because I had no-one in my life, or extended community to talk to about how "different I was". I had no idea about HIV/AIDS and I count my blessings that to this day i've never had a sexual disease, but I could have caught it. 

It's people like you, and the people who share the same beliefs as you, that don't "deny" Gays and Lesbians exist, but never stand up and say hey, have the same rights and freedoms as me. People like you are the reason that for so many years, I grew up thinking I was an alien, the only person in a whole world full of everybody else who were heterosexual. What else was I supposed to think, huh? Beauty and the beast. Pocahantas. King and Queen. Male and Female. It was ingrained in my brain from birth and through primary school. To tell me that I just suddenly woke up one day and "chose" to be Gay because someone "encouraged" it is to be wholly ignorant of me, our friendship and everything you think you know about the world.

Get a clue.

Don't talk to me until you've really had time to think about how much your comments would upset people, if they were to read them and how you have shown me for the first time since I came out of the closet in 2006... that I have friends who secretly think I shouldn't be in a relationship. Shouldn't marry. Shouldn't be "encouraged" to be myself. Shouldn't get the same rights.

And, you know what. Even though you've pissed me off... If I had the chance to vote on whether or not YOU could get married, I would vote for you to have that right because I believe, that no matter how a person treats other people that all human adults are entitled to the dignity, honor, permanence, and meaning of marriage. The fundamental love we all know of, seek and one day want to be a part of. If New Zealand ever has a public vote on marriage freedoms, please don't vote to have my rights extinguished. 

A brief interlude.

The doctors told my mother it was impossible for her to be able to get pregnant. When i was born, i was 9 and a half weeks premature at 1.5kg's. 15% chance of survival, i had 5 weeks in an incubator. The possibility of psychosis, bipolar disorder and dis-sociative episodes. I was kept under leach by my grandmother for these reasons, and as it turns out...... im perfectly healthy and perfectly lucid.

My mother was on hard drugs all throughout her pregnancy and suicidal by the time I spat out in November. There could be a ticking timebomb of things about to explode inside my body laying dormant. I don't actually think about it. Well i didn't, until recently. Being here has made me cling more to my past than i usually do.

A letter i sent to the politician that said "gay marriage" is like child abuse

Hi @wendy4senate My name is Morgan and I was raised by a single grandmother. My mother was sick at my birth & died when I was four. My father didn't want me, so the only other option was for a 52 year old grandmother to take it upon herself to "adopt" me as her own child and raise me. Just a few years past your age now, actually so you can imagine how much sacrifice she had to go through.

I spent so many years of my childhood extremely jealous every single day I would hear other kids talk about having a "mother" and a "father".

It would further be magnified when I'd go over to play dates. I would watch unreservedly, the nuclear family secretly feeling completely stripped of having a normal family life.

I watched from the shadows how other families interacted with each-other in a normal way, and felt slightly empty and definitely mad that when going home I was stuck with one ancient parent who i felt like I couldn't talk to about real-life issues.

So.

I think that having grown up with one parent instead of two that, my views carry a bit more weight than yours. You grew up around a normal family, I assume. I didn't.

For this reason I unreservedly support same-sex marriage and same-sex parenting, and i'll explain why.

Looking back, it would not have mattered whether my friends had two mums, two dads, or a mum and a dad. I wasn't jealous of the gender binary's. The fact that two parents had separate sets of genitals played no part.

I was jealous of the fact that other people had two loving parents, in a family where responsibilities, ideas, and activities were shared between two adults and a set of children. I was jealous of the fact that, their parents worked together to create an amazing life for their kids, so jealous that they had "real" people who had jobs, and a sense of humor taking care of them. For me? My grandmother was unemployed throughout, quite depressed and a constant sour fruit.

You wanna know why your comments upset me so much? Because i look at the damage my heterosexual parents did to me by having unprotected sex, carrying through the pregnancy even while my mother was suicidal the whole time, and then dumping me like a piece of trash not even wanted. You have no idea how it feels to have grown up in a family where I was always made indirectly aware that every day I was just a "responsibility" that popped out of a straight woman's body shortly before she caved to the world.

If i had a choice, Wendy. I would choose a same-sex couple. I WOULD CHOOSE A SAME-SEX COUPLE BECAUSE AT LEAST HOMOSEXUAL PEOPLE CARE ENOUGH TO WANT TO TRY SO HARD TO GAIN RIGHTS AND HAVE CHILDREN. My heterosexual parents are a fucking disgrace. They've ruined me, they should not have had me, but they did. They did because people like YOU tell heterosexual people that they are somehow "privileged" and somehow "better", "more capable", more "natural" as parents. So they make the decision on a whim, having put no real thought into the complexities of raising children.

So what you said in your apology about "how australian's would choose to have a mother and a father," I wouldn't. I would want two stable, happy and loving parents whose main goal was to raise me into a respectable, happy adult.

I didn't get that with my heterosexual parents. I got as much as I could from my fathers mother on her own, but that wasn't enough. Every day is a struggle for me to remain happy, and I posit that had I been raised by two gay dads or two lesbian mums that I would be so much more well adjusted, happy, and have made a considerable amount less mistakes that I have in the past three years since leaving home.

Your views are homophobic, Wendy. They are. They are disgusting, vile, horrible, awful and another hundred emotive words. I very much am disgusted by you, and people like you who say "family first" on one hand, and then give unlimited rights to people who know how to shove a cock into a vagina over possibly better same-sex parents who are actually spending emotions, time, money and energy into wanting to be married, to want to be stable, and to want to give love and compassion to children.

So thank you, Wendy. For making me realize exactly why I believe in equal rights. You really made me think, and it's galvanized my extensive support of gay marriage and gay adoption. You may not have even been swayed by my personal story, but this story is out there now and I'll let it be known. I would have rather been raised by two gay people, had I had the choice before birth.

Thanks
Morgan. 

Change of plans.

Fully knowing I haven't posted an entry about why I moved from New Zealand to Sydney, here's this anyway.


I've been spending the last day with my Uncle Leon, and his wife Jo (my other aunty). Their house is a bit of a mess, but it's a hot mess. They have a six year old kid who has dyspraxia and his name is Ryan. It's pretty inspiring actually, because the doctors told his parents five years ago that he would never be able to speak. He learned to talk last year and I can understand him perfectly, he's just not as eloquent as other kids are. I actually rang my uncle's wife yesterday afternoon because I was growing sick and tired of listening to my Aunty (Hela) and her partner fighting. I've been staying with Hela since I got here. It's not good for them, for me, or for their six year old kid (Madeline). Jo and I were on the phone for a good hour and then I asked if I could stay with them for the night and so here I am now, about half an hour away from Hela's place.  


Found out some really interesting things about my mother. One awesome thing, one terrible thing, and other tidbits that bit in between everything. I am still unsure if I should tweet about it but I probably will soon once I wrap my head around one fact I can't stop smiling at and making jokes about. My mother was a crazy person, is all i'll say right now.  


Anyway, my Uncle Leon and his wife Josephine are both so placid and calm both with eachother, with their kid Ryan and also with me. Not a bad word. They drink beer a lot, have two dogs, a hamster, a kitten and some other animals i haven't discovered yet. The weird thing is, they haven't spoken with my aunty in three years. Hela (who i'm usually staying with) and her brother Leon, just don't communicate and it's a bit sad. But there are some fun jokes we make about the entire situation. I am not sure what's happening tonight. I might stay here again. I mean, they have WiFi because Jo is an accountant, and Leon owns his own welding business. It's pretty laid back and I don't have to worry about going to bed at a certain time or not making noise and waking up Madeline, Hela or Tony back home. I'll see what happens anyway I don't want to intrude but they seem to really like me.  


I'll post a bit more later, but yeah, in summation: I am currently with Uncle Leon. I am usually with Aunty Hela. Hela and Leon are siblings, they're the children of my Grandmother who I grew up with. Confusing? Not for me but yeah. More soon. Take care everyone! I know I do.