I've learned.

I've learned so much leading up to and including my 21st year of life.

It's important to separate your personal life from work. I used to act in a way that meant my work and personal lives were intertwined, as unseperated as breathing is to living. Unfortunately, back then, I didn't realise that being too social and endearing would eventually lead to me walking right into a situation that forced me to leave a job. I'm glad all of that that is behind me now.

It's not okay to carry your heart of your sleeve or post your very personal or negative feelings online to the general public. I remember being younger and angry. Yeah, it felt awful growing up hating myself every waking moment because the catholic church I was a part of had the audacity to tell me I was a sinful monster, who in the future would be a dangerous threat to children. But people can't stay angry forever and I refuse to.


I've learned that it looks trashy to say things like "I hate everything" in front of a social medium of friends on places such as facebook. If you are the type of person who does that often the only thing I have to say to you is, why? Clearly it's been a while since my typically emo ways, but I still see people deadpan complain with vague sweeping statements about how damaging the world is. The only exception to that in my opinion is personal bereavements. One of my friends passed away seven weeks ago. Brad's death transformed me into a wreck, for which I make no excuses. Death changes things and creates a vacuum that steals all of our happy emotions, forcing us to grieve.


I've learned the value in social media. I would like to think that my personal life is meant for only me, close family, and close friends. But, over time I have come to realize that I like the prospect that somebody across land and sea who I may never meet might be reading my inner thoughts and learning something. This doesn't explain why I have been quite quiet about my absense from Wellington and the urgency in reasoning to leave. That blog post will give birth to some interesting reactions when I finally decide to drudge up the energy and gumption for it.

I used to argue with people that it is a bad thing to be private and closed off. I am now becoming the type of person who would feel so much more at ease with people knowing absolutely nothing about me and what I do or who I am. Even now, it does make me feel uncomfortable posting another blog entry but again my endeavors in online social media are so ingrained in me I cannot stop. I'm fully addicted to this opium. I opine that in the future something I have written will alter my chances. Perhaps that's a good thing?

I've learned that wanting so hard to be part of the gay "scene" was a mistake. Befriending caricature personalities didn't become fulfulling in the end and those endless nights at Ivy (the gay bar) where I chased after some people didn't lead to anything memorable, sorry. The entire "gay" community is what it is, but it's not for me. Gossip websites associated with people like that are awful (such as one I was identified on once). They vilify individual people and then allow anonymous comments which strikes me as nothing but desperate and attention seeking. Gossip girl may be my favourite show, but come on, it's fictional.

This year definitely has been a metamorphosis of intense and systematic change for me. Living at a backpackers as unglamorous as it sounds and is, has woken me up. I learn about other people and cultures daily. It's something I feel blessed to have wandered into. 


I'm so glad to be in a country away from my grandparents for the first time. But not for the reasons people might assume I hold. 


I miss them so much because they are the only two people on this earth who love me. However I feel good not bothering them with my petty life issues and money problems. I can imagine my grandmother right now sitting in the garden reading a historical novel, relaxing in peace and liberty. She deserves that. I for need her to enjoy life and I hope that me being across the ocean somewhere that her conscience doesn't compel her to worry so much about me. That will hopefully give her happiness and an extended life. 


 Last year was a bit hit-and-miss, but what can I say I was: young. I turn twenty two in November so i'm going to take it easy until then and see where things take me. I'm still single. No-one is interested in getting to know me past my fake arrogance and infamy on twitter. That's also fine. I tend to be closed to relationships as they capture my emotion in its fluidity and that's when I really don't know what to expect from myself.